Attitudes

I'm just going to give a peek into my journal today because there's been a lot going on in my head (and heart!) lately.

So, I am sitting in front of my new/used desk. Howard's just used leather conditioner on the top. It feels like new life has been breathed into it and it smells like it too! I've just spent the afternoon cleaning and doing some soul searching while Overcome by David Nevue was playing in the background.

The last few days have been pretty terrible. Not outwardly mind you, but in my outlook, my attitudes, my heart. I'd love to say it might be PMS or some other malady but that would just be me trying to justify my behavior. I've come to realize I can't do that anymore. I've been miserable towards my spouse and there's no excuse for it.

I've been doing a lot of reading about past revivalists and evangelists lately, as well as, of all things, The Simple Faith of Mr. Rogers by Amy Hollingsworth (it's worth reading if you ever watched Mr. Rogers Neighborhood by the way). Deep down there's been a discontent in me that I haven't been able to grasp. The books have been inspiring and uplifting and yet I kept walking away feeling like I was missing something I needed to understand in what I was reading.

Well, in the last few days I've been short with Howard even when I didn't mean to be. I've been easily irritated by things (life!) that dared to alter my plans. I've not been kind or loving or compassionate. I even recognized it in myself yesterday and still I couldn't seem to help myself. I'd be thinking that the next time Howard speaks to me I will be careful to speak lovingly. Then, he would enter the room and I would issue out some sentence or two heavily laced with attitude; for no reason!

This morning I had an eye doctors appointment. I got there a little early and decided to sit in the car, with our local Christian radio station playing, and pray for a little while about the state of my heart. Sanctus Real's song "Whatever You're Doing" started playing and it spoke straight to where I was.

I'd felt for quite a while like the Lord was trying to do something in me but I was struggling with this mess of my own making so how was I supposed to address something else wrong with me? Here's an abbreviation of the song (listen to the real thing when you get a chance!)

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly.

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Thank God for the chaos because I finally got it! He's been wanting to change my attitudes and all the chaos I was feeling was to get my attention and turn it towards the problem! He wants to give me so much more than chaos, as the parts of me I don't like anyway, the irritability, the cynycism, etc, create. If I'll let Him do this work of humbling and redirecting (challenging though it is!) I have the promise of a peace better than I know now.

Funny as it seems, in hindsight so much of what I read about "Mr. Rogers" has been churning this all to the surface.

In her biography of him, Amy Collingsworth included a quote by Rebbe Nachman of Breslov "Know this: You should judge every person by his merits. Even someone who seems completely wicked, you must search and find that little speck of good, for in that place, he is not wicked. By this you will raise him up, and help him return to God. And you must also do this for yourself, finding your own good points, one after the other, and raising yourself up. This is how melodies are made, note after note."

And yes, that points to another attitude I need changed. I simply see the annoying or bad things in another quicker than I see something good so I don't bother looking any harder. I think that it then becomes very easy to miss out on blessings the Lord may have in store for me, some easier to see right away than others.

Oh, by the way, I did repent in the parking lot of my eye doctor (who knew it would be holy ground today!). I asked for forgiveness and expressed a willingness to be changed. I know it's not going to be easy and possibly quite painful but maybe like this desk I'm writing on there will be a new "shine" to me and the sweet scent, not of leather, but of the inner beauty He is bringing out in me.